Mark Roebuck’s 2016 Oscar Preview

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It’s Oscar season again! Does the one movie you saw have a shot against the other sleepy looking movies you never heard of? You’ll have to watch Sunday to find out! In the meantime though, to make sure you’re up to speed in time for the show, here’s a quick look at all eight of the films nominated for Best Picture this year.

Fun Fact: This is the first piece Mark Roebuck has submitted to Big Funny Blog in like seven months since swearing on a stack of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle comic books that he’d write all the time. Then he wrote one thing about the Nintendo game “Paper Boy” and disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Editor’s note: Since we don’t trust Mark or anything he writes, we’ve inserted editor’s notes to preserve the integrity of this site. 

Oscar Preview

The Big Short

Oscar_Big_Short

I really loved this movie. Adam McKay gets (sorta) serious and takes Wall Street to task for their role in the housing market collapse of 2007.  Well acted, written, directed, just everything you could think of. McKay brilliantly portrays every angle of the whole story, helping explain it to the viewer in a series of ingenious segments, and works you into a combination of anger and laughter that is truly remarkable.  This movie deserves to win a lot of trophies. Don’t you want to live in a world where the director of Anchorman has an Oscar? 

Fun Fact: This is the first film Adam McKay has directed that didn’t star Will Ferrell.

Editor’s note: The housing market crash was actually in 2008. Oops!

Bridge Of Spies

Oscar_BridgeOfSpies

Sadly, this is one I have yet to catch, and I was excited for it well before it received its 6 nominations. I mean, Tom Hanks starring in his 5th Steven Spielberg movie; a Cold War drama featuring a script from the Coen Brothers? This might be my pick of the year, and I still haven’t seen it!  

Editor’s Note: This is actually the 4th time Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg have worked together.  C’mon Mark.

The Revenant

Oscar_Revenant

This is the film I’m hoping will win.  Not only did I enjoy its performances, direction, and commitment to showing the brutality of nature, but I’ve also grown very fond of visionary director Alejandro González Iñárritu, and would be thrilled to see him win his second directing Oscar in as many years.  Where Birdman (which I loved as well), was sort of a quiet, small little movie, The Revenant is a sprawling, grand adventure of a film that maintains the former’s long takes and masterful pacing. Truly a great filmmaker at work.

Fun Fact: Leonardo DiCaprio has been nominated for an Oscar eight times before this, and never won! He’s even lost to a dog a few times!

Editor’s Note: The number is four, and as we continually insist in our correspondence with Mark, dogs have never been nominated, let alone won, an Oscar.

Mad Max: Fury Road

Oscar_MadMax

My pick for best movie of the year.  It has almost everything. A sleek visual style, hard-boiled old-school in-camera action, beautiful cinematography, a powerful yet subtle message about the world we live in today, and a production design for the ages.  As I said, almost everything. Do you remember in The Road Warrior, that Mel Gibson’s Max had a dog?  To the best of my knowledge, there was no dog in this picture, and therefore it has no chance of winning the “Best Performance by a Dog, Cat, or Musical Bird,” which is a shame, because who didn’t want to see a Mad Max sweep??

Fun Fact: “Mad” Max only spends about 78% of the film mad! In the other scenes he ranges from confused, to sleepy, to thirsty, to not actually in some of the scenes!

Editor’s Note: Again, we’ve told Mark that there are no dog-oriented categories in the Academy Awards, nor are dogs eligible to receive nominations.  Our apologies.  

Room

Oscar_Room

I really don’t have that much for you all on this one.  I’m working against a deadline and I’m afraid I just didn’t have time to see all the pictures.  I’m not sure what this one is about, but I will assume it is about a room. There’s probably some dog in it (Oh, how I hope it’s a talking dog! No spoilers though! Oh what the hell, spoil it in the comments!!!), and he’s been left behind by his owner, probably played by Meryl Streep, and she probably has some shit to do but then some shit happens to the dog and she like, can’t get back in time to save the dog except for she does at the end.  They should have called this movie Dog! And the dog’s name should have been Oscar. 

Fun Fact: Meryl Streep probably likes working with animals!

Editor’s Note: Mark had no deadline and submitted this piece without notifying us prior.

Spotlight

Oscar_spotlight

Now this is one I really wanted to see.  It’s this very straight forward movie about the Catholic Church molestation scandal. A lot of weight to the issue here.  Lot of ramifications.  What is it like to break a story like this? How far do you go with it? Are these stories too important to let your little puppy that you are house training tinkle on them? Director Tom McCarthy has never shied away from tough subjects, and this picture looks to be no exception.  

Fun Fact: Director Tom McCarthy did not also direct Hotel For Dogs!

Editor’s Note: We’re just, you know, really sorry in general at this point.  

The Martian

Oscar MartianDog

Editor’s Note: This is where Mark’s submitted draft trailed off into a list of “Movies That Starred (Or Should Have Starred) Dogs.”

Hey, are any of you guys friends with Mark? Can someone check on him? We haven’t heard from him. Oh, Brooklyn was nominated for Best Picture too.  It looked pretty good.  

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Mark Roebuck

Mark Roebuck is a stand up comedian. He lives in Lansing, Michigan, where he cohosts Mac's Monday Comedy Night every week at Mac's Bar. In 2011 he self-released his debut country album, Hope They Got Hamm's In Heaven. Sales continue to disappoint. Follow him on Twitter @mark_roebuck

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