Shitty Halloween Candy

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Well, folks, another Halloween is in the books and if you’re like me and have kids you probably have a giant bowl of candy sitting on your counter.

In our household we needed the biggest bowl in the house to hold all of it, which ironically is a bowl I refer to as “Pukezilla” because it’s the bowl we use when our kids are sick. Side note: if you ever go to someone’s house to eat dinner and they’re serving food out of a gigantic bowl, there’s an almost 200% chance a kid has puked his guts out into that thing.

Just food for thought.


Personally I love having kids for Halloween because it means that A) I don’t have to stay home and hand out candy that I paid for and B) I get to walk around my neighborhood and watch as people give my kids candy that I also didn’t pay for. It’s a beautiful thing.

And then we get home and I yell at them about spoiling their dinner just so they’ll stop eating it and my wife and I can have free reign over the whole lot of it.

But the thing that has gotten my goat yet again this year is the quality of candy people choose to hand out. Now don’t get me wrong – beggers can’t be choosers – but some of the shitty candy people hand out should bring shame to their families for ages.

To best illustrate, I divide candy into four categories:

Category 1 is the real primo shit. This is the candy that lasts three days because you start digging through the pile and pick it out almost immediately. I’m talking about Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Milky Ways, Kit-Kats, Twix, 3 Musketeers, etc.

Category 2 is the stuff you eat only after all the Category 1 candy is gone. In this section you’ll find regular Hershey Bars and Butterfingers among others. The best way to tell a Category 1 apart from a Category 2 is the “King Size” test. Go into a gas station and ask someone you’re with if they want a King Size candy bar. If they say yes, I promise you any of the candy they mention will be a Category 1 because no one will eat a King Size of a Category 2. Seriously. Have you ever heard another person say, “Hey are you running into 7-Eleven? Will you grab me a King Size Baby Ruth?” Of course you’ve never heard this because no one has ever said it.

Category 3 is all the sweet stuff. This is your Skittles, Starburst, Laffy Taffy section. It’s not that it’s necessarily bad, it’s just the kind of candy a little kid likes only because their palettes haven’t developed enough to realize it sucks way more than the other stuff.

And last but not least we have the Category 4 candy. This is the stuff that if you’re buying it, you need to take a long look in the mirror and then smash your face into the glass. If Category 1 candy is the stuff that’s gone in the first few days, the Category 4 stuff is the shit that’s hanging around in the cupboard in March and you’re looking for something sweet and you find it and then you dig through it hoping something got forgotten and then when you realize it’s already been picked through for five months you just put back into the cupboard and settle on eating a banana instead. Yep, this shit is so bad you’d rather eat an apple. Milk Duds, Tootsie Rolls, and those little caramel cubes all fall into this category. If you handed out Milk Duds this Halloween, you should have just shut your God damn porch light off and gone to bed.

So that’s it, that’s the official Halloween candy breakdown. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to quit writing and go raid Pukezilla before all the Category 1 shit is gobbled up.

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I founded in the fall of 2014 because little funny blog didn't sound that catchy. I'm a writer, marketer, husband, social media guru and father of two. Follow me on Twitter @jasonwolverton.

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